Don't get in debt, get a DIY sex doll!

Sex dolls can be a mighty expensive proposition, not surprising when you consider the level of craftmanship that goes into creating those synthetic curves. But how would you feel to know that with a simple bit of imagination, DIY and shopping 'nous', you can make your very own artificial lovetoy at just a fraction of the cost!

HOMEMADE-SEX-TOYS are the people behind this adult DIY masterstroke. Their step-by-step guide not only shows you how to put the thing together, but also, where and what pieces you need too. Seriously, it's actually very easy. Here's what you'll need to become the perv world's very own Doc Frankenstein...

1) HEAD - Go to an adultshop and invest in a good blowjob simulator - chins and noses are optional. As are moustaches...

2) BREASTS - Lifesize fantasy tits are readily available from most inventive adultshops.

3) HANDS AND ARMS - Yes, you can buy these too. Which you'll probably already have known if you're into artificial fisting. Homemade-Sex-Toys strongly recommends the Doc Johnson range for the utmost, vein-bulging realism.

4) VAGINAS - "The best fake pussies are Cyberskin" says Homemade-Sex-Toys, of arguably the most essential area. It also recommends you buy the arse part separately as it will be easier to fix.

5) PENISES - Frequentors to sex shops will already be more than aware of a scarily large range of options in this department. Dildos with a suction cup base are the recommended piece, though.

6) ARSES - Plenty of artificial buttholes also readily avaialble on the marker. Or to the point, 'a masturbator with an anal orifice'.

7) FEET - Did you know that fake feet are available, with built in vaginas? You do now. Apparently, these are unsuitable for this project though (only right tootsies seem to be available - go figure). Homemade-Sex-Toys picks out 'Serenity's Little Piggies' as the ones to attract - rubber feet cast from a porn star. Apparently, they're like Uma Thurmans' and suitable for both male and female projects!

So, once all the individual parts are purchased, all you'll need is the "rigid mannequin" to work as a chasis. Oh, and probably the full guide and DIY tips for putting that lot together. If you fancy taking up the challenge, best whisking off to HOMEMADE-SEX-TOYS. Good luck!

http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/sexdoll/

An MP has very nearly talked himself into supporting today's "Perverts Wear Purple" day - by accident. And it could hardly have happened to a less likely politician: Ronnie Campbell, one of the most down-to-earth and decent men in the Commons.

The 64-year-old former miner and Labour Member of Parliament for Blyth Valley was approached and asked to wear something purple to support National Fetish Day. He said he would wear a purple shirt. Unfortunately, no one had told Ronnie what the word "fetish" means.

He thought it meant "worry", rather than indulging in kinky/unusual sexual activities, often involving rubber, bondage, sado-masochism and the rest (assuming there's more!).

When local newspaper the Sunday Sun explained this to poor Ronnie, he said he thought the word meant: "Worry, like worrying about backing the wrong horse."

"Oh my God Almighty, my God, is that what a fetish is?" the astonished and no doubt highly-embarrassed MP exclaimed.

Before being told what the word means, Mr Campbell was asked if he had any fetishes. Thinking it meant worries or concerns, he said: "I must have a thousand but, hand on heart, I couldn't tell which is the most important one. Probably the horses."

One of the event's organisers, who had approached Mr Campbell, goes by the pseudonym (or nom de guerre?) of "Pierced Knight" because he says to reveal his identity would ruin him professionally.

The National Fetish Day is part of a campaign against pornography laws.

Somebody please buy the member for Blyth Valley a dictionary!

Felix Vicious took her name from Felix the Cat and Sid Vicious, she also withstood six hours of anal sex, and isn't sure if she wants to be a marine biologist, massage therapist or a gynaecologist; which to me makes her awesome. Sometimes I like to think, 'Man, I wish I was a cowboy. Or a race car driver.' I like to imagine how different my life would be. How I could lasso my wife when she tries to run away or how fast I could drive to the supermarket if I had the right ride. But in my world I'm a writer and that's all I'll ever be. I think that's my favourite thing about the porn industry; it teaches girls they could be whatever they want when they stop fucking on film and grow up. I mean, if you could get paid for sex - something that is loads of fun - why can't you get paid to be a superhero or an interior decorator? I think after six hours of taking it in the ass the natural afterthought is to look up at the clouds and say, "The sky's the limit." (As long as there are no black people up there.)
Is it true you don't have sex with black men?

Yeah, I don't do interracial. Never have.
Why not?

I don't find black people attractive. No offence, I'm just going to stay with somebody that turns me on and they don't do it for me.
You don't really do butt-sex on camera either, do you?

I've done one scene and that's it. If anybody, I'd do it with my boyfriend and we're working on it now. It's not something where I'm like, "Oh, I love to have anal sex."
Not even at home?

We do sometimes but I'm really not begging him to put it in my butt. If it happens it'll be a total surprise on him, too. He won't be expecting it when I do tell him to put it in my butt. He'll be like, "What? Did that just come out of your mouth?"
Was there some sort of problem or a mess on the one anal scene that you did that made you want to stop doing anal scenes?

No messes but it was a six-hour anal scene and I'll never do it again.
Six hours? What the hell were you doing for six hours?

Basically, I was with another girl and it was one of her first anal scenes; she'd done a couple before but basically she was like, "I can't take it in the ass any more, you have to do the rest." And she'd only done half of one position. Then the director was like, "We didn't get enough footage, we need more footage." So I had to take her place and get fucked in the ass. And I was there, getting fucked for six hours, and I couldn't walk after the movie. That's why I don't want to ever do it on film again.
I could see that putting you off on the whole deal. Hey, you have a hole in your cheek. Why?

I had my cheek pierced when I was 14.
When your boyfriend cums in your mouth does it shoot out the hole?

Only sometimes. No, I took it out when I first got in the business and the hole closed up almost instantly, I couldn't push anything back through it.
That's a shame because you could have had a great marketing tool with that. No-one in the business is squirting out their cheek.

Yeah, you're right that would be good. I could put a little straw through there and have girls drink the cum out of my cheek.
Why don't you tell people you got shot in the face and then try and join G-Unit?

What?
Why don't you tell people you got shot in the face and then try and join G-Unit?

They're black, aren't they? That's why.
But you could be a white rapper - you don't have to be black to be a rapper.

I'm trying to DJ not MC.
Maybe you could be the G-Unit's official white DJ.

It's a good idea. I'll call myself 25 cent. Or Enema instead of Eminem. Maybe I could do the P-Unit, Porn Unit.
I heard you can breakdance.

I pop.
What does that mean?

I pop-lock, it's a type of breakdancing.
Why don't you incorporate that into your sex scenes?

I did. Just recently for VCA's Art School Sluts. I don't think a lot of companies do a lot of that. I mean, if they would hire me for that, I'd love to do it for them.
But you didn't do it while having sex, did you?

No.
Why don't you do a film called Sexy Retards and do your crazy dancing while having sex?

That would be great, pretend to be retarded while getting it on.
Would you be willing to do that if I wrote a movie for you?

I think we'll put it on our webcam and put it up on our website when we get that started. It'll be just for you.
No, I want to write the screenplay. I want Sexy Retards to be a big-budget production.

OK. Yeah. All we need to do it grab a bunch of retards and take them to a rave and give them a bunch of ecstasy, wait until they're fucked up and take them home for our film.
That's one thing that is tragically missing from the market, retard porn.

I once saw some clown porn, which I thought was funny.
Retard porn, though! Stay focused! We could be rich.

We could be rich.
We'll be partners. Where do you live? I'm going to move in with you so we can get this business rolling. I'll be in charge of the scripts and the money.

And I just have to act retarded?
Yes.

I can do that.
I'll even be in the background acting retarded while you're having retard sex.

You'd have to put a doily on your head.
I'll wear rubber pants and piss myself.

It sounds too good to be true.
You need to become a business owner. I mean, do you have any goals after you stop doing porn?

I want to go to college to study music production.
Really? Because I found a fantastic quote on the internet that said your goals after porn were to be either a massage therapist or a marine biologist.

Oh my God, that's so old. Yeah, I changed that. I don't want to be either of those things any more. That was like a year-and-a-half or two years ago.
But do you realise how insane and absurd that statement is? Those are completely unrelated fields. You sound like a four-year-old who either wants to be an astronaut or a teddy bear when she grows up.

I know. Maybe I'll be a gynaecologist. I've looked at enough ass, I know which looks good and which is infected.
Do you come across a lot of infected parts on the job?

No, but I could tell what it looks like right off the bat.
What's the worst thing to happen on a set aside from the six hours of ass-ramming?

I don't know. That was definitely the worst. There was one time when I got sent home from a set before anything even happened. We didn't do anything. It's the reason I only do films with my boyfriend now. I was doing one of Mark Ashley's movies for New Sensations. It was me, Mark Ashley and a girl named Tyla. I told him. "I can do everything but I can't kiss you though," and he freaked out - "What? Why not? Fuck that!" Blah, blah, blah. Then he said, "I can't shoot you, this is totally pointless.
It's not going to seem sensual at all if I don't kiss you." I was like, "Do you know how many movies I've done where I didn't kiss the guy and it's been a terrific scene?" Yeah, kissing is passionate but it's not the only thing that makes sex passionate. I told him he could kiss me on the neck or wherever, just don't kiss me on the face. He actually started calling me names. The girl was like, "Why don't you just kiss him? Your boyfriend is never going to find out." He actually sent me home from the set because I wouldn't kiss him.
Did you cry?

Well, I was pissed. I went and complained to his boss. It was bullshit.
Why didn't you do the old trick where you lean in to kiss him and then you turn your head at the last second? That always works.

We didn't even start the scene. I was being upfront with him and he got pissed off before the scene even got started. I went and talked to the director and went back upstairs and they'd already started the scene without me. They still gave me a kill fee and they made him pay it out of his own pocket.
What the hell is a kill fee for a porn star?

Basically if you don't get the scene done you get a kill fee of $150 or something like that, for your time.
But what if they shot an entire scene and didn't use it?

You would still get paid your scene rate. They buy the rights to it, so what they do after they're done shooting it is up to them. As long as they shoot 20 minutes of footage you're entitled to full rate. Twenty minutes is about what it takes for blowjob, eating out and then sex.
Twenty minutes? Not for me. Not on my best day.

That's sad.
You did a movie called 18 And Lost In Mexico...

I did? That's funny because I've only been to Mexico once and it was with my boyfriend and we didn't shoot a scene while we were there.
So you've never actually been lost in Mexico?

No. That's really funny. I usually don't hear the titles for most of my movies. That's great. I was lost in Mexico, huh?
I had some fantastic follow-up questions regarding Mexico.

I'm sorry, I never got lost there.
Well, tell me a story while I try and think up some new questions.

Well, Sadie Allison wrote a book called Tickle His Pickle, basically about how to pleasure a guy's penis. Playboy TV hired us to do a re-enactment of the book. My boyfriend had to get an erection and then we had to put little dresses on his penis and a little hat. We had a little beret and a little handbag. It was great. He hated it.
So when do you guys want to shoot the retard porn?

When do we want to shoot it? You gave us your card. We'll call you as soon as we get home. Let's get this show on the road. I saw midgets walking around, we'll grab them too and have them ride little riding horses in the background.
Sadly, Felix never called Chris when she got home and production of Sexy Retards has been put on indefinite hold.

The world's smartest pommidget talks Jewish treehouses, terrible tattoos and putting toddlers in the freezer

On the way to see Joanna Angel get fucked in the ass on the set of her newest film, Joanna's Angels 2, I was accosted and searched by two policemen on a sidewalk in Brooklyn. They said they noticed something hooked to my pants pocket they believed was a knife. I laughed in their stupid cop faces and lifted my jacket to reveal I had two pens clipped to my pocket. "They're pens," I said. "I'm a nerd, not a menace." They released me, apologised and we went our separate ways. Sometimes, people are idiots. Joanna Angel, on the other hand, is no dummy. She may in fact be the smartest girl bending over in porn today. She runs the highly successful punk-girls sex site Burningangel.com. She writes, directs and stars in her own films. And she knows sometimes the easiest way to get off the phone with someone is to just agree with whatever they're saying, even if it means someday she'll be taking four dicks in her ass.

What are you doing? 

There's a little kid next to me, he's two. 

Do you ever plan on having a baby?

I would like to, one day. 

Would you like to have one with that baby right next to you when that baby is old enough to get you pregnant?

No, that's gross. We're just friends. If I had a baby I'd like him to look like this. 

Why not put him in the freezer?

In the freezer? 

So when you're ready to have a kid you can just pull him out.

Oh, no, no, no. That doesn't sound very responsible. I never really wanted to have a kid until... I started hanging out with this one all the time.
I thought you were going to say you didn't want to have a kid until you started doing porn.

No. 

You just finished filming the sequel to your critically acclaimed Joanna's Angels. Did you write this one as well?

I did, I wrote it and directed it. This whole thing is my idea. The movie is hilarious. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

I'm proud of you too. I get hundreds of pornos a month and yours actually stand out as being fun to watch.

With Burning Angel we were limited when it came to money. Not to say we have that big of a budget but when I get a budget from VCA I make sure I use every dollar of it to make the best movie I can. It sucks because I end up using the money I'm supposed to get paid towards making the movie better. The baby just brought me cheese and crackers from the refrigerator. 

I'll make note of it.

Make sure you write nice things about me. 

Oh, I will... in exchange for personal favours.

You want some of these cheese and crackers? 

I do, all over your ass.

It's really cool when kids act nice. I never know what to do when they're bad. 

Chloroform them. Anyway, give me the story on Burning Angel.

Burning Angel is my porn website and it started on 20 April 2002. I don't smoke pot but when I was in college I lived in a house with eight other guys and they all smoked a lot of pot. Once I made all these pot brownies for everyone and I ate one and I started hallucinating. But I started the site with this guy Mitch and it was probably the stupidest idea we ever had. It was as simple as him going, "Do you want to start a porn site?" OK, fine. I never watched porn and I never knew anything about porn. And as I was eating the pot brownie I realised it probably wasn't such a good idea. But it worked out. 

I think we might be related. We both went to Rutgers University.

Oh my God! Really? What year did you graduate? 

I didn't. It wasn't for me. I'm not a smart kid.

I liked school. 

I heard you're a nerd and you got, like, a 3000 on your SATs (Scholastic Aptitude Test).

I did well, yes. 

I heard your rule of thumb is you don't date anyone with lower SAT scores than you.

Oh my God. Did you get this off my MySpace profile? I had that rule for a while. I used to pretty much date anyone - well, not date anyone, but I was giving it up too easily, so I needed to create some sort of standards, so I thought it was a good standard to not date anyone unless they had higher SAT scores than me and better tattoos than mine. I was dating someone for a while who had higher SAT scores and better tattoos but we broke up. He wasn't very nice. He was a pretty crappy boyfriend. Then I found someone who didn't have very high SAT scores and he's not very nice either but for some reason I decided to date him anyway. 

I got exactly half of what you got on you SATs.

Really. That's bad. Well. Maybe you can compensate for it in other areas. 

I don't think I can.

No? Do you have a big dick? 

Nope.

No? Um, do you have a lot of money? 

No.

No? What do you have going for yourself? Do you live in New York? 

No. I live in New Jersey. But I have an old car.

Wow. OK. I'm thinking you're batting zero. You're chances aren't very good. Yeah, let me go to New Jersey to hang out with this guy who's not all that smart, has a small dick and no money. Maybe if you lived in New York you'd have some sort of chance. And how old is your car? 

It's a 1960 Cadillac Deville.

Oh. That's cool. We can go to a parade or something and ride in it. Yeah, that sounds like what I want to do tomorrow. 

You can't blame a boy for trying. So tell me, how did you make the smooth transition from Orthodox Jew to porn star?

Why? Isn't every porn star Orthodox Jew? I don't know. I still feel pretty spiritual on some level. I don't have much of an answer for that. I've just always been the type of person that did what I wanted to do and never cared what anyone said. But I don't think I'm a bad kid. I think you can be a nice Jewish girl and a porn star. Just no-one else feels that way. 

Perhaps you should start a new religion.

I think I have. It's called 'Alt'. 

Gross. Did you just say that?

I'm joking. I was kidding. 

No, that's awful. That's dirtier than anything you've ever done in porn.

What? Alt? 

Ewww. You said it again.

It's really funny. That's what the whole movie is about. See, my old boyfriend broke up with me because I was too 'alt' and he wanted to date a non-alt girl. He said, "I need to move on to bigger and better and non-alt things." 

Can you explain to me the deal with Jew forts?

Jew what? 

Jew forts. You know, once a year the Jews build these treehouse things.

OK, there's this holiday called Sukkot. And you build these little huts next to your house and you're supposed to eat in them for eight days. You're supposed to appreciate nature on that holiday or something. 

They're kind of crazy-looking.

Yeah, well, some people think Christmas trees are weird. A tree you decorate is really weird. Lights and balls and a big star on top of a cut-down tree; that's weird. You're just accustomed to seeing them that's all. 

You're right. I'm totally down for forts. I want to get down with the fort scene.

My mom makes one every year and gets angry because I haven't gone to it in the past couple years. 

I'll hang out with your mom in her fort.

You should go over there. She'd be really happy. She gets lonely sometimes because  I don't come home for the holidays. 

Growing up did you always have sex through a sheet?

No. Come on, dude. No-one really does that. I guess really religious people do. 

You have never had sex through a sheet?

I have actually never had sex through a sheet. I have had sex lots of different ways, shapes and forms but never through a sheet. 

I think that's a porno that needs to be made.

I should make it. If anyone should make it I should, but out of respect for my religion, I won't. We have a movie coming out called The XXXorcist, it's a spoof of The Exorcist. 

No kidding.

I totally put crucifixes in me, I was the possessed girl and I was doing it to the priest. Everybody is like, "Oh my God. You're going to hell." But to me it doesn't mean anything. To me, a crucifix is a piece of wood. I don't feel bad insulting Christianity because it doesn't mean anything to me. I didn't grow up that way. Not that I hate Christianity, I just have no ties to it. But I'd feel really bad doing something Jewish in a movie because I'd feel kind of dirty. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about my mom. 

You just garnered seven AVN nominations. If you win will you thank your mom, dad or God?

I don't want to lie and say I don't think about what I'd say if I won, as the truth is I practise my speech every day in front of the mirror. I know who I'd thank and none of them are my mom, dad or God. I owe a lot to my mom and dad for a lot of things but my porno career is not one of them. 

Are you nervous at all about going to the awards show and possibly getting shanked in the bathroom by one of the other girls that are nominated for Best New Starlet?

Do they do that? 

Those girls are very catty.

They are very catty, and I know they really don't like me, but it's OK. I'm not scared.  I will kill them with kindness. I'll just be really nice to them. They hate that. Maybe we can just all have sex. That's how life is. You either fight them or you fuck them; and that's what I'm going to have to do with those other girls. 

How tall are you, lady?

4ft11in and 3/4, man. 

Do you know what that means?

It means I can give you a blowjob standing up. 

It also means you're legally a midget.

No, that's 4ft11in. I'm 4ft11in and 3/4. 

Nope. Not true. Anything under 5ft is considered a midget.

I don't think you're correct. 

I'll bet you a dollar.

I'll take that bet. I'm gonna look it up. 

You're gonna lose. On your MySpace page it says you'd like to meet someone without STDs. Have you ever been burnt in the past?

No, and I'd like to keep it that way. 

Do you wrap yourself in bubble wrap?

No, I don't. I just ensure everyone I'm with gets tested. I've been sleeping with the same person for a long time now. I can sleep with others on camera, but I usually sleep with him on camera. I do sleep with other people too. 

How come there aren't more good tattoos in porn? 

I don't know. There aren't many good tattoos in the world. People are always like, "I want to get tattooed," then they always get something ugly. 

In porn though, the bad tattoos seem so concentrated.

It is, people have a formula; it works. 

What would you say is the worst tattoo you've ever seen in porn?

You know, I really hate tribal. And I see them all the time. I really hate when I have to work with a guy with tribal tattoos. And people put me with guys with tribal tattoos and they're like, "Oh, she's into guys with tattoos." I'd rather have sex with anyone than a guy with tribal tattoos. 

Would you rather have sex with a midget than a guy with tribal tattoos?

I think so. 

Would you rather have sex with a shemale than a guy with tribal tattoos?

I actually really want to have sex with a shemale, I just know there's a real high risk of STDs. If it wasn't for that I'd have sex with a shemale in a heartbeat. I kind of want to. I think about it sometimes. 

I just saw a shemale gangbang. Do you think you could handle that?

I don't think so. I can't really say. I can handle some things. I don't know if I'd be the perfect person for that job though. I have never had sex with 15 people in the same room. 

Me neither.

I would like to. 

I would like to have sex with two other people first, as training.

I have done that. Joanna's Angels is the only time I've had sex with two guys. It sucks as I really want to, but dudes never want to. 

Can I ask you a favour then?

You want to have sex with me and one of my friends? 

No, actually. I need your powers of persuasion.

You need a girlfriend. 

I have a wife.

Well, you need to get her to get other girls to do it. When I had a boyfriend I would be the one to bring other girls home. I also have a porn site I run and a lot of promiscuous friends; so it's easier for me. 

She works all the time and doesn't have any girlfriends. So what do I tell her?

I don't know. Maybe she can meet someone on Burningangel.com. 

I need you to talk to her.

Uh... OK. Are we almost done with this interview? 

I heard you had sex with OJ Simpson.

With OJ Simpson? No. We were both signing autographs at a horror convention but I didn't have sex with him. Did you mean Mr Marcus? I know they're both black but they're different people, dude. No, we were both at horror convention, which I thought was pretty ridiculous, him signing autographs for slasher fans. 

Did you ask him to sign your tits?

No, he asked for a copy of Angels and I signed it for him. 

Are you nervous that he may try and find you and kill you?

No, I think he's cool. 

OK. Here is my last question. It's a math problem of sorts. How old were you when you first had a penis in your butt?

In my butt? Oh God. Not too long ago. I guess I was 20.

At 20 you had a penis in your butt. Now, let's say that in four years you can fit two penises in your butt. 

I don't know if I can do that.

This all hypothetical. So at 24 you can take two penises in your butt. All things being relative, by age 34 will you be able to take four penises in your butt?

Going by your philosophy, I guess so. Although I don't know if your asshole works that way. But in your pretend world, I'll agree to your equation. By the time I'm 34, I'll be able to put four dicks in my ass.

The author and sexpert talks porno-punching, shagging the sleepy, and anal-fisting workshops

Eight years ago I was sent sex expert Tristan Taormino's book, The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women, and I fell in love with it. I've left it out on every coffee table I've owned since. I'm enthralled by the act of anal sex, the thought that for so long it was the last frontier of the human body, the dirty secret no-one spoke of. The fact Tristan was so knowledgeable about the topic, and heralded it in such a matter-of-fact way, made me an instant fan of hers. I've since lent and relent my copy of her book to numerous friends who've been either anti-anal or anal-curious. All have returned it with a new understanding and appreciation for the sport, I mean, act.

Recently she signed a deal with porn superpower Vivid to direct eight pictures. It seems fantastic, but I don't know when she'll have time to shoot them all, between her busy schedule of constant fisting and talking dirty to Dick Clark.

How did you become the official sex expert for our generation?
Did I call myself that?

No, I'm calling you that. It seems appropriate.
I was inspired by gonzo sex writers and sex experts who take a more hands-on approach. To me, Dr Ruth is more of a clinical, let-me-show-you-some-charts-and-I'll-tell-you-how-to-have-better-sex type. But I'm inspired by people like Susie Bright, who actually goes out and tries this stuff then gives you advice. I'd never tell someone how to do something if I hadn't done it myself.

Since Dr Ruth is German, do you ever think of her as a Sex Nazi?
No. Dr Ruth did a lot for a long time so I won't ever diss her.

Then does it gross you out to close your eyes and think of her having sex?
It's not that, it's just that I can't picture her having sex. For me, her presentation of the material was never passionate or sexy.

What if I told you I had a photograph of her in a swing getting DP'd?
I can believe anything. It probably doesn't exist, but anything's possible.

What would you say if I told you porn star Carmella Bing was able to make an entire 19in double dong disappear in her ass?
It's possible. Have you ever seen gay male fisting videos?

No.
I've seen people fisted past the elbow. Depending on arm length and how big your hand is, that can be 20in at least.

What part of the body are the fingers touching at that point? The ribcage?
You're way beyond the rectum at that point. You're into the lower transverse colon where you really shouldn't go unless you're very, very knowledgeable. This is such a bizarre interview.

Thus the name of the magazine. Could you tell me the widest thing you've seen go into a butt?
The thing is the rectum can expand, so width-wise it can accommodate something pretty wide. The whole trick is getting it past the sphincter muscle. Once you're past the sphincter you have loads of room. You know there are women doing double anals.

I've heard of triple anals.
I know, it's a complete circus. But that shows you can really fit something pretty wide. I'm sure there have been people who have been double fisted as well.

Have you personally been on one end or another of an anal fisting?
Both. In the 2nd edition of my book The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex for Women, which came out in February of 2006, it has a bigger chapter on fisting. It's one of the chapters that's completely rewritten and expanded. I've done more fisting than everyone you know combined.

Well, that's not very impressive because that adds up to one person.
Then I've definitely beaten that record. I teach classes on fisting. I've done a lot.

Let me ask you - trying to fist my wife while she's sleeping, is that inappropriate?
Anything while sleeping is inappropriate.

Anything?
Pretending to sleep, like the Sleeping Beauty fantasy roleplay, is fine, but attempting anything besides gently trying to rouse her is inappropriate. She's sleeping!

She's vegetarian and I sprinkle Bacon-Bits on her lip while she's asleep to try and convert her back to carnivore. Is that inappropriate?
Yes. And Bacon-Bits are soy-based, so they don't have real bacon in them. That's not going to get you very far.

You had a lot of zest in your writing back in 1998 when you wrote your anal guide. Are you still smitten with butt sex?
Yes, absolutely. When I did the revised version people were like, "Do you really have more to say?" And yes, I added 75 new pages. In the eight years since I've taught hundreds of classes on anal pleasure all over the world and met thousands of people and I'm as enthusiastic, if not more so, about anal sex as I was when I wrote it.

Is anal fisting a regular thing for you? Or is that saved for holidays and New Year?
It depends on the situation. There are times when I'm teaching my hands-on classes where I'm doing several fistings in a week because that's what my schedule calls for.

At your workshops you're actually performing these acts? It's not just on a chalkboard?
It depends on the class and the venue. I'm not going to break any state or local laws. There are times when I'm at a store, like Babeland, where you can't have live sex acts, especially not in post-Giuliani New York. So that'll just be diagrams and demonstrations on Julie Ashton's ass.

Her real ass or her fake ass?
A fake ass. Then there are times when I'm invited to a private event or a members-only organisation where I'll do a hands-on demo as part of my teaching. Those are always private and not open to the public.

I couldn't attend one of those?
If you were a member of one of these organisations you could.

What if I just wanted to be the sketch artist?
No.

Do most of your dinner conversations eventually turn to the topic of sex?
It depends who I'm having dinner with.

Have you ever had dinner with Hillary Clinton?
No, but it would depend on who else was at dinner. If it was just the two of us eating, then yeah.

You've starred in a few of your films. Was that weird for you to be in front of the camera?
Yeah, I'd been photographed but never videotaped, not even in an amateur capacity. It's really bizarre to watch yourself have sex. I can't even watch it. Not at all. You see all your flaws and you can't believe you made that face or that sound. Professional porn stars
can probably watch themselves to see what angles and faces make their bodies look good and improve upon them, but for me it was like, "No, That's it. I can't watch it."

How many pictures will you make with Vivid?
I have a deal for eight pictures and four of them are of my reality series. The first one is out now, called Chemistry. The second one will be released in January.

Will any of them have clever titles like your film called House Of Ass?
Did you like that? Everyone loves that.

Can I convince you to make a movie called Brick Shit House?
No.

What's your take on this new trend in porn of completely degrading and belittling the women in the film by spitting on them and smacking them about?
What do you think? Part of the reason I felt inspired to come back to porn and direct this new series was because I really like gonzo as a genre, and I love the idea of people being themselves and capturing the rawness of pure sex. But I feel like the dominant model for gonzo right now are crazy circus stunts and this horrible degradation. There are plenty of people who get turned off because they think that's what gonzo's all about.

Rough sex, verbal humiliation and degradation as a general rule are not problematic, but I think there are two things going on. Firstly, it's not always clear that the women are enjoying themselves, and that's a huge problem. And if they don't cum... well, I've always said, "If you're going to stick my head in the toilet, at least I'd better get an orgasm out of it!" When the focus is solely on the men's pleasure and the women don't even get off, that's unacceptable as far as I'm concerned.

Also, if humiliation and degradation weren't so prevalent right now, then they could just be seen as another one of those other things, another fetish. But because men dominate woman over and over and over again in these videos,
it's becoming a problem. I'm not against dominance and submission, but it's become a cliché and that's an issue.

Do you think this will change? Or will it get worse, where people are forced to come up with more vile acts? Will it come to pure brutality?
I don't know if it can get much worse. It's already pure brutality. Have you seen these donkey-punch movies? That's the whole premise of the donkey punch. The girl gets punched in the
head. I'm hoping other voices are going to intervene, and it's one of the reasons I want my voice to be included in the mix. I think there's a way to embrace gonzo porn and not have this really extreme stuff.

You said after you have an orgasm you like to roll over and go to sleep. Are you certain you're not a man?
Yes, I do. And no, I'm not. When I was in my 20s I was multi-orgasmic. I'm not multi-orgasmic any more. I have one orgasm and it's really, really intense and then I'm done. Done, done, done.

I read that you gave sex tips to Dick Clark [a famous American TV personality, who's now in his late 70s].
I did. He had a morning show with Danny Bonaduce and Mario Lopez called The Other Half. More bizarre than giving sex tips to Dick Clark was that the producers told me I'd only be talking to Dick and Danny because the other guys weren't married, and the station said they couldn't have me giving sex tips to guys who weren't attached. That was weird. One thing that Dick Clark revealed on television was that he likes to talk during sex, and I thought that was pretty cool.

One of your lovers is a female-to-male tranny boy, just like our man, Bizarre favourite Buck Angel. Does he have male genitalia?
They can't make a penis. Not a working one. It's much easier to turn a man into a woman than it is to turn a woman into a man. But for some people it's not just about their bodies; it's about how they walk in the world, how they're perceived and treated and how they see themselves. For me, I've been with people of so many different genders that the equipment really isn't an issue. I can handle pretty much anything you throw my way. I'll always make it work.

Heterowife-swapping and orgies are so 2005. If you want real action, you need to get down to the UK's hardest underground gay sex clubs. Warning: this ain't pretty...

When you're looking for the most extreme sex club in the country, when do you call off the search? After the HIV+ barebacking night? When someone starts drinking a stranger's piss for fun? Or do you wait until a man's screams are drowning out the music at a fisting night?
Over the last couple of months, many of you have responded to our message on Bizarremag.com asking for tip-offs about the most extreme sex clubs in the UK. They led us to pick-up joints. Drug dens. Fancy-dress partner-swapping nights in low-ceilinged basements with condensation running down the walls. In one place we found nothing but half-a-dozen unconvincing trannies lined up at the bar, waiting for an admirer. There were unlicensed premises housed in sweaty cellars, selling warm cans for a fiver. And in some, it was like we were 10 years too late, turning up when all that was left from the 'golden era' was an old man at the bar, reminiscing about "the good old days" when the 30 quid that got you into the club also bought you access to as many of the hookers inside as you could manage. One place was of no fixed abode. You simply got a taxi to wherever the club was housed at that particular time.

It wasn't so much a club as a travelling swingers' party. But as well as the just plain weird ones (a weekday afternoon hanging out with a room of adult babies, anyone?), we also found just what we were looking for: the suspect, semi-legal fleshpits that would make a Daily Mail reader's head explode with indignant revulsion.

One of the problems was the secrecy that is attached to the scene. More than one promoter asked not to be mentioned at all in this piece. More than one told us not to mention them (and they're quite scary, so we won't). One night that a former regular described as "a load of playrooms with a little dancefloor, but nobody went there for dancing, they went there to get banged in the darkroom", got closed after just one complaint to the local authorities. "It's a shame you can't go there any more, it was a real, real, real free-for-all," he told us. "The attitude was, 'I might be quite rigid in what I like. You might be quite rigid in what you like. But if you take enough drugs, you might end up getting fucked by a tranny.'"

A replacement club rose from its ashes, but the promoter didn't want to risk any publicity after last time and he asked to be left out of this piece. He emailed: "My name is [CENSORED] and I am the promoter of [CENSORED]. I don't want us to be written about. Obviously I can't stop you from writing about us, but I really don't want any publicity. I have had trouble with the police and the local council in the past. We try to keep a low profile these days. I hope you will respect this."

Before mentioning the best ones, a word about some of the get-togethers that didn't make the cut. A couple of transsexual- and transvestite-appreciation clubs were suggested. We went to one with high hopes, seeing as it used to be a tranny brothel by day and a club in the evening. Although we found some interesting darkrooms crammed full of people, there was nothing that shocking. Actual, physical sex-wise it was on par with a dark alley near a pub on a Friday night. As one disappointed 'reveller' put it, "It's mostly people sucking each other off and the terrible smell of poppers and sperm."

We had a similar experience at a members-only BDSM club we went to. Housed in the basement of a shop that sells fetish gear, there were mistresses, slaves, a fully equipped dungeon, and a bar, but again, the sex was a let-down.

"It's not really sex, it's more torture; men being walked on and that," was the final verdict. However, we met a guy called Tom there, explained what we were doing and he offered to help us out. Tom used to work behind a bar where he was only allowed to wear a pair of skimpy pants, if anything, but used to get his own back by necking vials of GHB that he was meant to be selling. He told us we should be looking to the gay clubs for extreme sex.
And from what we could find he was right: heterosexual sex seems to be stuck in a rut of basic sex parties and wife-swapping, and is even in danger of becoming passé, as the weekly updates on the decreasingly private lives of Primrose Hill's better-known residents appear in low-rent gossip magazines.

"Apart from just being less uptight than straight people, things have changed for the gay community, especially recently," says Tom. "Ten years ago, everyone was afraid of having sex - they thought, 'Oh no, I'm going to get AIDS and die'; and now everyone is thinking, 'Well, it's a controllable disease,' or 'Oops, I've already got it so I might just as well keep hammering at it.'"

No club illustrates that better than what must be one of the most exclusive members' clubs in the country (which we're not going to name). We didn't meet the membership requirements, so we couldn't go. Basically, if you're not HIV+, you're not getting in. Mark has been a member for about a year now. "There is one evening just for meeting other HIV+ guys," he says. "I think that is maybe a midweek event. It's about getting to know people and talking and stuff like that."

But they also have a barebacking night for HIV+ men who want to have unprotected sex but don't want to risk infecting other people. "The first time I went was because a friend of mine knew one of the organisers of it when it was an up-and-coming event in about March 2005. At the very beginning, the guys who were putting it on hired out one or two venues until they found their own." It is currently held in the basement of a pub in the East End of London.
"If you are a straight person it would be quite hard to fathom it as anything but weird, but actually, it's very hot," says Mark. "I can understand why people go there." As you probably guessed, it's not for a pint and a chat. "I participated, yeah. In a four-hour period, I would probably sample six or seven guys, I suppose," he says. "We don't sit around the bar and talk about the good old days. It raunches on, you know?" he explains. "It is not just straight man/woman sex. It is just different. It is almost animalistic. It brings out the beast in men. I think that's why they do it. It can be quite wild. It's probably better going with somebody, because you're less like to feel so intimidated. It can be overwhelming, you know, the music is thumping and there's a lot of smoke in the room. And it's dingy. There are TV screens of guys fucking, and someone next to you could be sucking someone's dick. If you don't want to be involved in it, it can be quite overwhelming."

And the dresscode is liberal to say the least. "You're not allowed to wear clothes; you have to be down to your underwear. A lot of guys wear nothing but a cockring or a hard-on," Mark explains.

Although there are "no rules at all", according to Mark there is an etiquette. "Someone might be giving you a handjob and some guy might come up and might want to, you know, stick his hand up and play with your arse, but if you just brush him away he gets the message. Some guys like to have multiple partners at the same time, some guys like to do one-on-one. It is an eye-contact thing. If you really don't like something then you just say 'Don't!' and they will leave you alone."

Joel used to go to a safe-sex HIV+ guys-only night on the other side of London, in Fulham, but prefers the aforementioned, unsafe-sex club. "It's warmer, more intimate. The whole condom thing isn't for some people, it's too much hassle to bother with when you're 'on heat'." And he really doesn't see what the fuss is all about. "What is disgusting? Pissing is way worse!" he exclaims. Really? If that is the case, we thought, we should probably go and see for ourselves.

Quite understandably, urine isn't something that turns everyone on. It's a waste product. It stinks. But as you may be aware, getting covered in piss (and covering other people in piss) is the peak of sexual arousal for some. Luckily for them, the longest-serving piss night in the world is based in the UK, conveniently close to a mainline railway station in North London. For the last seven years people have been coming here from all over Britain and Europe, ever since an aspiring sex-club promoter isolated urine as the thing that turned him on, and abandoned the rubber nights he had been going to in the hope that there would be some piss. The club now meets every Wednesday evening and Sunday afternoon between 1pm and 6pm. Since it first began, the club has moved premises twice, but is now back at its spiritual home, in the crowded basement of a pretty average-looking pub. Assuming we were already going to hell for things worse than blasphemy, we went and checked out a Sunday afternoon session...
Entering the club, to the left there is a small area with two benches to sit on while you watch the two screens mounted high on the wall. The other screen is on the other side of the bar, also mounted on the wall in a similar little alcove. All three are showing Wet Wednesday, a gay piss film that starts in a lavatory and ends up with a 10-man circle-jerk in a car park.

From the right-hand side the club expands into a larger room, with a paddling pool in it. This main room has two smaller rooms leading off it, both pitch-black for the people who value their privacy. The only lighting proper is behind the bar, but every few seconds a revolving bulb sweeps round the club, lighting up the dark corners like a searchlight. It's a small venue. It can probably hold 100 people maximum, which means people can't gather in just one place. They tend not to stand by the bar, though, as the door's draught makes it hard to keep a hard-on.

Again, there is no dresscode. We see two sailors, one man wearing an expensive-looking three-piece suit, two men wearing heavy high-visibility jackets like roadsweepers wear in winter, one orange, one yellow. Only one person is wearing rubber. For reasons unclear, one man has come wearing the entire 1980s white Aston Villa away kit, socks pulled up, the lot.
You don't need to wear anything if you don't want to, as you can check all your clothes in at the club's cloakroom, up one flight of stairs from the entrance. A lot of people have done just that, but wisely kept their shoes. You soon learn that not wearing shoes is a big mistake. Though it's fair to say that everyone present likes piss more than the average person, it seems no-one wants it between their toes. As one person told me, he used to do it (because it was good for his feet), but the smell can linger. Your feet sweat a little and before you know it you have a smell you can't shift. "I still piss in the shower though, it stops you getting athlete's foot," he chuckles.

On the whole, it is hard to get information from people because the music is sternum-rattlingly loud and you don't want people leaning in to speak to you if you can possibly avoid it. That's because most of them are drenched in piss, cum or a combination of both. From what I can gather, the main appeal is obviously the piss-play, but also the considerate timing, which allows you to go home, shower and still go out in the evening. As for what goes on: Although the club is officially only a meeting place for urine enthusiasts; in reality, from the moment we walk in, people are having sex. To the right of the bar a man is easing himself down onto another man's fist. Two men standing next to him are frantically trying to work themselves erections to no avail. In the main room, a man is in the paddling pool, on his knees as another pisses in his mouth. A couple of people break off from watching them to go to the bar and order pints in the hope they can pass water before it's all over. Skulking in a dark corner is a man with his penis in a pint of iced water, embarrassed and frustrated that he can't piss.

And this goes on for hours. People pissing on other people, people drinking piss, people rubbing piss in their hair and under their arms like they are taking their morning shower. Others are wiping it off their faces like they have just had a drink thrown over them. Some people, the 'drinkers', aren't into being covered and prefer a steady accurate stream from their donor.

Just before chucking-out time, things come, as it were, to something of a climax. Under one of the TV screens, a man is standing on one of the barrels that doubles as a table, holding the end of his penis to the ceiling so that his piss arcs up into the air and down into the mouth of a man on his knees, who has a cock in each hand and another one rubbing the back of his head. After that, the energy has disappeared out of the room.

And yes, if you're wondering, the place smells. Not like a sewer; it's fresh, not stale. If you have ever been near someone who has wet themself, it's just like that, only tenfold. "We pay the cleaners a bit extra after piss nights," says the organiser.

After talking to another newcomer who has been before, it becomes clear we chose a good night to visit. He says the fisting, even though it was over before it really began, was a rarity for a pissing venue, in his experience. We know someone who does it all the time, though. His name is Darren.

"Fisting is the ultimate cock that everyone's looking for," explains Darren, "you should write about fisting." We met Darren at a bisexual swingers club. Emma, who he is escorting for the night, agrees: "It's one of those things that you have to go and see for yourself."
On the south bank of the Thames, there is a club (of which you can find the name yourself if you are interested) that refers to itself as 'Europe's largest dresscode bar', and its listing online reads: "This is a bar that serves a wide selection of beers, wines, spirits and cocktails. Members are free all night on Sundays and Friday and Saturday before 11pm. A dresscode of leather, rubber, uniform or industrial gear applies. No trainers or sports shoes." Which could lead to a shock for people turning up on spec on the first Friday of the month, as that is 'First Friday' night. Anyone who has been could tell you that the 'r' in 'first' is probably a misprint. We went along to their first night of 2006.

The entrance to the club is two painted black doors round the back of Vauxhall station. They don't look any different to the ones being used as lock-ups. If you're interested in going, it's worth knowing there are facilities that allow you to change at the club, and you can leave valuables you might need to remove before entering: things like rings and watches, for obvious reasons.

Once you're through the door, on your right-hand side is the bar. Immediately to your left is a shoeshine seat, where a slave will shine your boots with spit - for a price. Above the bar is a large screen showing porn. Facing the bar on the other side there is an ornamental motorbike and the main area where people stand when they are just hanging out. For the people who choose not to watch the screen, the film is also projected onto the brickwork of the ceiling, creating 10ft-tall cocks up the wall, and assholes the size of beach balls.
As for the clientele, the strictly enforced dresscode perpetuates the usual gay stereotypes, which lends the evening a 'Tom of Finland pictures coming to life' vibe to it.
Off to the left there is a two-storey wooden structure. This is where the 'action' takes place. The outside is covered by a sort of camouflage netting on both levels, so there is privacy from the other side of the club. This half of the club is also darker than the other, as the light from the bar doesn't reach that far. Most of the time the most you can see without getting close is vague outlines merging and dividing. The whole section is lit by black light, and mini-glowsticks are attached to every corner to prevent people walking into things.

Downstairs, the most basic of basic mazes has been created using the same camouflage-netting-type stuff. As a fellow first-timer comments, "It's not exactly Hampton Court is it?" and you could walk down each cul-de-sac and straight back out in a couple of minutes, but it serves its purpose in providing privacy. Each dead-end leads to a small table with a tea-light on it, giving just enough concealment to play, and just enough light to check out what you are playing with.

Over to the far left there are steps up to the top level. This top level overlooks the bar and is where the harder stuff takes place. In diagonally opposite corners there are full-body leather support harnesses that lift you about 4ft off the ground and suspend you horizontally in the air with your ankles at the same height as your ears. It's like a bondage hammock that puts your ass at roughly the same height as a standing person's groin. A woman would probably consider it the birthing position. This is, of course, where the fisting is done. While we are there, probably half-a-dozen people take to the harnesses and are given the five-knuckle treatment, along with one guy downstairs as he bends over to give a blowjob.
Although people are reluctant to give up personal information, we learn there is a fisting etiquette, where the fistee will likely want to feel the hand of the potential fister. This allows him to check how long his new friend's nails are. According to Robin, "a frequent fistee", this is more habit than necessity, as experienced fisters will know how difficult it can be to remove shit from under their fingernails, and thus cut them as close as possible without reaching the quick.

As for what makes a good fister: it varies from person to person. Some like it rough, though people generally prefer it gentler. Some people get a kick out of the sensation a hairy arm provides. The majority of the fisting we see is deep but cautious, like a skilled workmen making a practised movement.

The most extreme moment comes when a guy in the harness starts screaming. With The Pussycat Dolls' hit 'Don't Cha' blaring through the sound system he throws his head back, screaming, using one hand to hold poppers to his nostrils, and the other one to masturbate as a man eases his arm in further, almost up to his elbow. As the harness starts to rock, it looks as if he is going to pull his hand out clutching the hooves of a tiny, sticky foal.
Soon, he is done, and he rips off a couple of feet of toilet paper from the roll that hangs next to each harness in case you need to wipe off excess lube or semen or whatever.
Once he's gone, it doesn't take long for someone else to take his place. The man who was cracking his knuckles while he watched before now applies some lube to his hand. A different man readies himself, twisting his fingers and thumb into a single point and out again into an open hand, like he's making a squid shadow puppet.

Sensing that what is to follow is more of the same, and more than satisfied that the hardcore-sex-club scene is alive and kicking, we leave them to it and make our way home for a cup of tea. "The club scene used to be loads and loads of people who would go out and get banged by everybody," says Darren. "And then it changed. I guess you could call this a return to old values. Thank God."

At Steve's Wonderful World of Pets in Williamsville, owner Steve Lane is selling tattooed fish for the first time. Some have polka dots, some have stripes and others even have pink hearts.

The fish are imported from Singapore. Lane believes they have to be restrained and then tattooed with a tattoo gun.

Channel 2 purchased four of the fish and brought them to the SPCA for their opinion.

Spokeswoman Gina Browning says the practice is not illegal as far as she knows, but they don't condone it.

"Morally and ethically what we're looking at is incorrect. Any animal lover would agree, it's so unnatural," says Browning.

Lane believes the tattooed fish just might develop a love of the hobby for some people.

"My hope is if it gets more people into the hobby it's a good thing. If a kid comes in and sees a fish with a heart on it and says I want a fish tank and learns how to care for it, I think it's a win," says Lane.

Call it frogs porn, but there's also worms, eels, octopi and goldfish in Japan's slimiest sex

Blame Hokusai. In 1820, the master Japanese woodcut artist and godfather of manga produced a print entitled The Dream Of The Fisherman's Wife. It depicts a fisherwoman, stripped naked and entwined in the tentacles of a large bug-eyed octopus. Its distended head is fixed between her legs, sucking on her fleshy mound. Another smaller octopus at her head probes the inside of her mouth. But the fisherman's wife is not an unwilling participant in this slimy scenario. Her body is taut with passion. Disgust has given way to lust.

Hokusai's drawing is now more commonly cited as the first example of 'tentacle sex'. But, more pertinently perhaps, it's provided a pretext for Japanese perverts to indulge in their most extreme masturbatory fantasies. Tentacle sex only became part of the currency of popular culture with Toshio Maeda's 1987 manga Urotsukidôji - later turned into an anime and released in the West as Legend Of The Overfiend. Maeda has said its scenes of girls being probed and violated by tentacled demons were a ploy to circumvent Japan's stringent censorship laws. Now, an enterprising Japanese pornographer has started filming real-life fish-fucking and cephalopod sex.

Daikichi Amano, a 33-year-old art graduate, started producing films for his company, Genki-Genki, in 2004. Amano conceives, produces, directs and edits the films all by himself, and is supported by a faithful assistant, Ahiru, whose apartment often doubles as a location. "People tend to assume I'm shooting in a studio," says Amano, "but it's actually a dingy flat. The actresses always complain more about the smell of the flat than the smell of the fish. My house is very clean. I wouldn't dream of using it."

Before starting Genki-Genki, Amano lived in America for seven years, where he did a course in advertising design. His first job after graduating was working as a designer for a Japanese porn company, and he soon worked his way up to directing. "But as a director, once you've made several hundred films, it's no longer interesting to make conventional porn videos any more," he says.

Instead, Amano sought out a niche in the market that would also allow him to explore his own erotic fantasies. "To be honest, I can't say I was into this kind of stuff beforehand," he claims. "In any case, the porn market is saturated. So I thought to myself, if I'm going to make something like this, I want it to be both entertaining and funny."

Amano started out by making a film with a subject nearer to hand: a girl-girl film starring a Japanese actress and his own pet dog, a Labrador bitch called Luna. In the film, Luna spends much of the time on her back, fitted with a large black strap-on dildo. Afterwards, Amano had second thoughts. "I felt guilty because I'd used my own pet. So I decided to find other things I could use instead. That's how I started to use fish. I thought it'd be OK so long as they were edible."

While at a specialist eel restaurant in Tokyo, Amano was struck by an idea. "I started to wonder whether it would be possible to insert such things inside a woman," he says. And although clearly enthusiastic about his subject, Amano is extremely polite at all times - even to the point of choosing words entirely clipped of pornographic language when describing the action in his films.

At first, distributors were dismissive of the commercial potential of fish ("One told me it was too extreme and wouldn't sell," he says.) But Amano was confident the market was there, and was soon proved right - he can now expect to sell around 4,000 copies of each title. There are currently 12 titles in the Genki range, which feature male and female interactions with an array of slimy creatures, including worms, frogs and octopuses. The most popular by far are those featuring eels.

A month before shooting, Amano asks a fish farm to start saving him eels. And he's not just after any old eel - he's looking for the eel equivalent of John Holmes. "Farmed eels are all shipped out at more or less the same size," he explains. "But sometimes they're born exceptionally big, like a freak of nature.

"The ones I used for my latest film were about a metre in length. As for the thickness, I don't know the exact measurement but they were really thick - about the circumference of a Starbucks coffee cup."

The film in question features a fiendish scenario based on the gore film Saw - three girls bound with ropes and held captive in an abandoned building are tortured and raped with eels and Dojo loaches (a small eel-like fish with whiskers).

"Rather than enjoy being locked up, the girls are desperate," he explains. "It's like a game of survival. They want to survive each stage and be freed." (And it sounds as if the game continued even after he'd finished filming. Amano says his favourite part of the shoot was photographing the pack shot afterwards; he arranged three girls on a concrete floor so their arses formed a pyramid, with eels inserted into every hole. "They had to keep still for an hour," he says. "All of them were crying by the end.")

Amano says his scenarios often draw on suggestions from customers. "I get many requests," he says. "It's like reading a sushi menu. I get a lot of requests for prawns, but I can't use anything that might inflict injury to the inside of a female."

Each species lends its peculiar characteristics to the proceedings. Sea cucumbers and a fat, knobbly wormlike creature that looks likes a French Tickler are, according to the Genki-Genki website, "about the hardness of a human cock and able to give the actress plenty of sexual pleasure". And when startled, sea cucumbers engage in 'defensive vomiting', spewing their insides out as a thick and sinewy orange mucus that makes the perfect cum substitute.

Eels, on the other hand, are already lubricated and behave like babies - put them in a warm, dark place and they fall asleep. But loaches are another matter. "When they're inside the anal or vaginal passage, their natural instinct is to go deeper and deeper," says Amano. "Eels don't move around so much inside, but the Dojo loaches go berserk. Sometimes you can even see them rampaging around the stomach area."

During shooting, cast and crew often forget to count the loaches in and out. "One actress was having intercourse on a shoot three days later when a Dojo loach emerged from deep inside her vagina."

Filming with octopuses proved to be even more of a headache. "They're very delicate creatures," says Amano. "Some expired as soon as they were draped over the actress's body. But it's impossible to predict what they'll be like on set. Some can be quite lively. We had an incident recently where one of the octopi bit an actress on the buttocks. The surface of her skin was scraped off a bit and blood was flushed up underneath it. Both the crew and the actress were quite shaken up."

Neither did he realise, when he began shooting with octopi, just how powerful their suckers can be. "The girls were screaming in pain when they were sucked by one of them. It must have felt like having your skin literally pulled away," he says.

But so far Amano hasn't had any girls walk off the set during filming: "I always pay the actresses the agreed fee first thing in the morning, and give them a little bit more as pocket money. That ensures they're able to persevere for the rest of the day. And I always make sure there are plenty of cakes on set."

If there's any negative feedback about his films, it doesn't come from the actors. "I get complaints through my website about the killing of living things," he says, adding that he always tries to make sure nothing goes to waste. He ritually takes the fish to a restaurant after the shoot and has them turned into a meal for him and his staff. "My staff have no choice in the matter," he laughs, "but the actors and actresses usually don't want to come."

Amano received the most complaints about a film he made using goldfish. Specifically, a scene in which a girl looks tenderly at a blender half full of goldfish, watching them flap pathetically as the blades pulverise them to mush. She then smears their remains over her naked breasts and torso and frigs herself to climax. Later, her vagina is stretched open with a metal speculum and turned into a human fishbowl.

"I try to film as many scenarios as I can," says Amano. "But I didn't have any idea what to do with the goldfish. So I imagined them being liquidised and spread all over a body. When you blend them, the only thing that remains intact are the eyes. The jar was full of them! That's what I wanted to show."

The obvious question is, what kind of girls want to put themselves through this? Amano generally asks the agencies that farm out girls to porn productions to refer three types of 'actor' to him - the confident, the curious and the incapable. He then interviews them to find out which are most suitable.

Actress Minako Okada wrote a post on her blog about her experience of making a film for Genki. "To be honest," she writes, "this shoot broke me down for the first time since I started doing porn."

A bookish-looking girl with thick-lensed glasses, Okada appeared (and proved to be) far too fragile for the task assigned to her, which involved lying in a tank full of frogs. She expressed her anxiety even before the shoot due to animal allergies - a year previously, her cat had triggered an asthma attack so violent that she fractured two of her ribs. Amano tried to allay her fears by assuring her that frogs were amphibians and shouldn't cause any reaction.
Okada did manage to simulate fellatio with a frog - "It had a metallic flavour (a bit like blood)," she reports - but then Amano asked her to swim breaststroke in the tank.

"It was disgusting, but I plucked up the courage and tried," she recalls. "As I swept the frogs to the side, all the carcasses and faeces hidden underneath started to emerge. As soon as I saw them, I screamed for help but the director didn't stop filming. Reluctantly, I continued. Soon, everyone started to notice one thing - it stank! Apparently, the carcasses had started decomposing in the heat, and were emitting the smell of death. It was horrible, but the director wasn't going to stop filming and I continued for a few more minutes. Then, something just snapped inside me. I was completely enveloped in fear. And all the frogs suddenly seemed absolutely monstrous. I was nearly in tears and totally forgot I was on a film set. I think it was the first time I lost myself completely."

But this, it seems, is exactly the kind of reaction Amano is looking for. "The most erotic moments are when you catch a glimpse of something real," he says. "I'm not looking for acting skill. What I'm most focused on is capturing the true emotions and expressions on
their faces, that anticipation and anxiety when they're confronted with having to touch something for the very first time."

As well as the Genki videos, Amano has two other lines of films, marketed under the names Konki and Tenki. The former explores a range of hentai fantasies, like Gothic Lolita porn, and unrealistic sexual scenarios (one involves group sex in human pyramids).

The other line is given over to exploring another fetish: strangulation. Amano recruits for the job by advertising on the internet for men with similar interests. But occasionally he feels the urge himself and asks the actors if he can have a go. The director attributes his 'hentai nature' to a near-death experience he had following a motorcycle accident aged 17. "I had visions of naked women flashing before my eyes," he recalls. "I'd only had sex with women a few times. I thought to myself, 'I want to see more naked women.' And that's how I came back to life from being so close to death. It might sound unlikely, but it's absolutely true. And that was the origin of my determination to be hentai. I want to see as many naked women as possible before I die."

Amano maintains a blog on his website in which he shares intimate details of his sexual adventures. He explains his attempts to seduce a female doctor and win her over with his hentai ways (he succeeded, but unleashed a stalker in her). He describes seeing a girl in a short skirt a level up from the street, and rushing over, hoping to a catch glimpse of her panties.

"My films are made out of the same desires that fuel my own masturbatory fantasies," he says, "which is to explore every facet about women that I can. As for my future plans, it's a bit like masturbation - you never know what takes your fancy until you're doing it. I'd like to film women from all over the world engaged in carnal pleasures with these creatures. I'd also like to shoot jellyfish."

His immediate plans, though, are to make a new film using geckos - "lots and lots" he enthuses - and prepare for what could be his most audacious film to date: a woman in sexual congress with an anaconda. "I want to be able to make porn films that people will remember for the rest of their lives," says Amano. But he's certainly achieved that already.